Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep

This was a poem that Sachiko shared with me on the phone soon after your death.  It has really helped me over the years that you've been gone.  I miss you terribly and will love you always.

Breaths

I heard this song today and thought of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3e-zLKyZLw

Breaths by Sweet Honey in the Rock

Listen more often, to things than to beings(2x) Tis the ancestors words, when the fires voice is heard Tis the ancestors words, in the voice of the water aaaaahhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh

Those who have died, have never never left The Dead are not under the earth They are in the rusting trees, they are in the groaning woods They are in the crying grass, they are in the moaning rocks The dead are not under the earth

Listen more often, to things than to beings(2x) Tis the ancestors words, when the fires voice is heard Tis the ancestors words, in the voice of the water aaaaahhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh

Those who have died, have never never left The dead have a pact with the living They are in the woman's birth, they are in the waiting child They are with us in tho home, they are with us in the crowd The dead have a pact with the living

Learning to Live in the Present

I recently saw this poster with a saying by Lao Tzu and it speaks to me. Anxiety and depression, haunting of past trauma and future fears seem to be affecting us all at different times. In my most anxious moments I've been trying to remember to be gentle with myself, remembering that I'm still grieving. That has given me a little focus and allows me to better analyze what's really going on in the present moment. Maybe the given thing isn't really as stressful or deserving of the weight/ severity of anxiety I've allotted to it.

Maybe things are ok. If I can step back I can see that that's true. Each one of us left behind are moving forward in our lives and are experiencing some successes. It helps me to think that you are now our guardian angel, still a part of each of your children's lives and having a hand in some of that. But we are still grieving four years later, still working on healing and not yet fully able to let go of past pain or fear of future pain and loss. Not yet fully at peace.

Among your things there is a rolled up poster with Japanese Kanji on it. Taped to the back is a post-it note in your handwriting. Perhaps it's a translation or maybe just your own thoughts to meditate by. I like to picture you meditating on the words. Perhaps doing the same will help me learn how to live in the present.

Sitting quietly I always think of the past - remembering quiet / peaceful moments. If you do not listen to your inner thoughts you are not a whole human. Always reflect on the past successes in your life, the peaceful moments. Resolve to change what you can- let go of the rest. Accept life as you find it. Accept it fully. Work hard to change little; put forth your greatest effort in accepting those around you (your family) for they are yours.... otherwise you will find being human very difficult.

Ani ochevet otcha Abba shali...... and I always will.
-Sara

Father's Day 2011

I've been looking at this picture of us together lately. In it I'm almost 9 months old, a silly and happy baby, sticking out my tongue, playing with my daddy. Noticing how you are watching me in the photo, I can imagine how you must have felt. I am now at the same age you were when that photo was taken and I am a parent with my own silly, happy baby (who also loves to stick out his tongue). In your face I see a similar note of wonder, pride and love that I feel when I look at my son. Being a parent, I'm beginning to realize and appreciate all the hard work, love, sleepless nights, and creative effort it took to raise us all. Thank you for all you did and thank you for being my loving Abba. I miss you so very much. - Sara

A letter from Sue

Sue King just wrote to me:
'My TESOL professor/your Abba

Dear Sara, i wanted to write you 2 or 3 days ago because all of a sudden your dad came to my mind and I was wishing he were still here to share the joy of his lil daughter's joy in motherhood. And wondering how full it would make his life. .. and how full he made the lives of those he touched with his warmth, humor, unique viewpoints, his teasing ways. I can hardly think of a thing he would take at face value - he always seemed to give it his "slant", his wry comment, to the mundane.

It was so cool the way i thought of him .. like for a second in remembering him, he seemed nearby. Please remember that Sara - that you can, in a sense, have him with you just by your love. It is the highest power between people. It would be worth a try to talk to him in the moment you are loving/laughing at your son and wanting to share that moment with your dad. So go ahead and share it and enjoy him enjoying the moment too.'

Three Years Today

It's been 3 years today since you've been gone and we all still miss you terribly. Rob shared one of your promotional videos with us on email http://premierespeakers.com/bill_gallagher/video/2621 and watching it brought tears to my eyes. I remember those years and going to some of your talks.

Nate posted that he went to tea with Alison - a tradition that he shared with me and Mike last year. Then he went to visit Nathanial Roberts grave and brought roses for you and Granny too. On facebook, Nate posted "My Great-Grandfather and namesake. A surgeon and colonel in WWII. Ran the VA Hospital until retirement. One rose for Great Papa Nat, one rose for my dear Granny Sally, and one rose for my Abba. Thank you for all your sacrifices and love."


We buried you at sea in the SF bay so instead of a grave site to visit, I look out at the water to talk to you. Yesterday, we watched the sunset from a bluff near Fort Funston and I said "hi" with my 9 month old son in my arms.

By the way Abba, you were right about the baby. One of the things you told me in our last conversation was that you I should have one right away because you really thought I would love it, and I do. He's wonderful and he has hazel green eyes like you did. When I hug him, I feel like it's not just Andrew, but that you are in there somewhere too- a part of your spirit living on in your grandchild.

A friend once explained to me that among many native traditions a person is not considered truly dead until everyone who knew him are also gone. You are still alive and well in my heart and I can still hear your voice in my head from time to time commenting and laughing. Through me and my stories of you, I hope that Andrew will feel like he knows you a little bit too. (But damn I still wish you were here in person!)

Ani ochevet otcha Abba. I will forever be your Saralala.

2 years

It's been 2 years since I last spoke to you. What a wonderful conversation. How I wish I had known it would be our last! I would have never hung up the phone! There's so much more I wanted to share with you! I would have told you about all the wonderful memories you've given me, about how much I've learned from you, about how much I loved your friendship and what a wonderful father you were.

I still have dreams of that night and wake up in tears. Time passes, I think about you less often, but still I can't believe you are no longer here. The pain is still very raw. I miss you so much.

I love you.
Sara

Happy Birthday Abba

Happy Birthday Abba.

I still think of you every day but especially on days like today. How I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I keep thinking of the wonderful daddy date we had at La Folie and wish I could treat you there tonight.
I'm having a baby Abba. I wish you were here to share this experience with me. I think of you now as my guardian angel, watching over me and my baby. Somehow I feel that you know my baby already- maybe you picked him/ her out and brought it to me. I remember Granny saying she was sad she'd never get to see my children and you telling me I should have a baby right away. Maybe you are both looking over us now. I know you loved children and loved being a father. And you were a great father to me. Thank you so much for all the love you've given me. I never once doubted that I was special to you. That has helped me through so much and it is something I will pass on to my child.

I love you
Sara