Breaths

I heard this song today and thought of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3e-zLKyZLw

Breaths by Sweet Honey in the Rock

Listen more often, to things than to beings(2x) Tis the ancestors words, when the fires voice is heard Tis the ancestors words, in the voice of the water aaaaahhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh

Those who have died, have never never left The Dead are not under the earth They are in the rusting trees, they are in the groaning woods They are in the crying grass, they are in the moaning rocks The dead are not under the earth

Listen more often, to things than to beings(2x) Tis the ancestors words, when the fires voice is heard Tis the ancestors words, in the voice of the water aaaaahhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, chhhhhhhhhh

Those who have died, have never never left The dead have a pact with the living They are in the woman's birth, they are in the waiting child They are with us in tho home, they are with us in the crowd The dead have a pact with the living

Learning to Live in the Present

I recently saw this poster with a saying by Lao Tzu and it speaks to me. Anxiety and depression, haunting of past trauma and future fears seem to be affecting us all at different times. In my most anxious moments I've been trying to remember to be gentle with myself, remembering that I'm still grieving. That has given me a little focus and allows me to better analyze what's really going on in the present moment. Maybe the given thing isn't really as stressful or deserving of the weight/ severity of anxiety I've allotted to it.

Maybe things are ok. If I can step back I can see that that's true. Each one of us left behind are moving forward in our lives and are experiencing some successes. It helps me to think that you are now our guardian angel, still a part of each of your children's lives and having a hand in some of that. But we are still grieving four years later, still working on healing and not yet fully able to let go of past pain or fear of future pain and loss. Not yet fully at peace.

Among your things there is a rolled up poster with Japanese Kanji on it. Taped to the back is a post-it note in your handwriting. Perhaps it's a translation or maybe just your own thoughts to meditate by. I like to picture you meditating on the words. Perhaps doing the same will help me learn how to live in the present.

Sitting quietly I always think of the past - remembering quiet / peaceful moments. If you do not listen to your inner thoughts you are not a whole human. Always reflect on the past successes in your life, the peaceful moments. Resolve to change what you can- let go of the rest. Accept life as you find it. Accept it fully. Work hard to change little; put forth your greatest effort in accepting those around you (your family) for they are yours.... otherwise you will find being human very difficult.

Ani ochevet otcha Abba shali...... and I always will.
-Sara

Father's Day 2011

I've been looking at this picture of us together lately. In it I'm almost 9 months old, a silly and happy baby, sticking out my tongue, playing with my daddy. Noticing how you are watching me in the photo, I can imagine how you must have felt. I am now at the same age you were when that photo was taken and I am a parent with my own silly, happy baby (who also loves to stick out his tongue). In your face I see a similar note of wonder, pride and love that I feel when I look at my son. Being a parent, I'm beginning to realize and appreciate all the hard work, love, sleepless nights, and creative effort it took to raise us all. Thank you for all you did and thank you for being my loving Abba. I miss you so very much. - Sara

A letter from Sue

Sue King just wrote to me:
'My TESOL professor/your Abba

Dear Sara, i wanted to write you 2 or 3 days ago because all of a sudden your dad came to my mind and I was wishing he were still here to share the joy of his lil daughter's joy in motherhood. And wondering how full it would make his life. .. and how full he made the lives of those he touched with his warmth, humor, unique viewpoints, his teasing ways. I can hardly think of a thing he would take at face value - he always seemed to give it his "slant", his wry comment, to the mundane.

It was so cool the way i thought of him .. like for a second in remembering him, he seemed nearby. Please remember that Sara - that you can, in a sense, have him with you just by your love. It is the highest power between people. It would be worth a try to talk to him in the moment you are loving/laughing at your son and wanting to share that moment with your dad. So go ahead and share it and enjoy him enjoying the moment too.'

Three Years Today

It's been 3 years today since you've been gone and we all still miss you terribly. Rob shared one of your promotional videos with us on email http://premierespeakers.com/bill_gallagher/video/2621 and watching it brought tears to my eyes. I remember those years and going to some of your talks.

Nate posted that he went to tea with Alison - a tradition that he shared with me and Mike last year. Then he went to visit Nathanial Roberts grave and brought roses for you and Granny too. On facebook, Nate posted "My Great-Grandfather and namesake. A surgeon and colonel in WWII. Ran the VA Hospital until retirement. One rose for Great Papa Nat, one rose for my dear Granny Sally, and one rose for my Abba. Thank you for all your sacrifices and love."


We buried you at sea in the SF bay so instead of a grave site to visit, I look out at the water to talk to you. Yesterday, we watched the sunset from a bluff near Fort Funston and I said "hi" with my 9 month old son in my arms.

By the way Abba, you were right about the baby. One of the things you told me in our last conversation was that you I should have one right away because you really thought I would love it, and I do. He's wonderful and he has hazel green eyes like you did. When I hug him, I feel like it's not just Andrew, but that you are in there somewhere too- a part of your spirit living on in your grandchild.

A friend once explained to me that among many native traditions a person is not considered truly dead until everyone who knew him are also gone. You are still alive and well in my heart and I can still hear your voice in my head from time to time commenting and laughing. Through me and my stories of you, I hope that Andrew will feel like he knows you a little bit too. (But damn I still wish you were here in person!)

Ani ochevet otcha Abba. I will forever be your Saralala.

2 years

It's been 2 years since I last spoke to you. What a wonderful conversation. How I wish I had known it would be our last! I would have never hung up the phone! There's so much more I wanted to share with you! I would have told you about all the wonderful memories you've given me, about how much I've learned from you, about how much I loved your friendship and what a wonderful father you were.

I still have dreams of that night and wake up in tears. Time passes, I think about you less often, but still I can't believe you are no longer here. The pain is still very raw. I miss you so much.

I love you.
Sara

Happy Birthday Abba

Happy Birthday Abba.

I still think of you every day but especially on days like today. How I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I keep thinking of the wonderful daddy date we had at La Folie and wish I could treat you there tonight.
I'm having a baby Abba. I wish you were here to share this experience with me. I think of you now as my guardian angel, watching over me and my baby. Somehow I feel that you know my baby already- maybe you picked him/ her out and brought it to me. I remember Granny saying she was sad she'd never get to see my children and you telling me I should have a baby right away. Maybe you are both looking over us now. I know you loved children and loved being a father. And you were a great father to me. Thank you so much for all the love you've given me. I never once doubted that I was special to you. That has helped me through so much and it is something I will pass on to my child.

I love you
Sara

Pictures of Christopher Kier's Visit to Diamond Springs

Okay the next group of photos I have is when Chris went to Diamond Springs when I went to Hawaii for a week with my friend in Stickton. Chris spent a week with his grandpa and DeeDee in 1993... the first 2 photos is when I am handing him off to grandpa, and he is scared to leave me.

David

More Pictures From David

Sarah when she was one week old, then one year old, and an even older photo of Christmas time at Grannie and Grandpa's before Sarah was born.

Pictures from David

Here are photos when Bill arrived at our home upon his return from Mexico being a teacher in Chihuahua... His damaged Rav4, which we got fixed by my friend in Tijuana... We met Amy and her boyfriend one night. Then photos when his Toyota was all fixed (new hood and windshield, etc.) on the day he left... a last photo of him and I ... the last time I saw him, alive.

Please put in the blog with the photos that I regret he left us so soon in his life, we still had much to learn about each other. I was his oldest son, yet I was the newest, not having met until 1989. What a colorful and dynamic personality he had. I miss him very much.

David Kier

Happy Birthday Abba

Today is Abba's birthday- the first since his death.

It's been a really hard year. I've really missed him. I broke down just before the wedding ceremony started about him not being there. Someone got Auntie Laurie to come see me. It really helped me dry my eyes and move forward. People talk about the giant Blue Heron that flew over the crowd just as we spoke our vows (I didn't see it- I only saw Mike) but when people described it, I thought about the poem Sachiko told me - talking about how the spirit becomes one with nature and is all around us (I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the bird in the trees, etc). I felt like it was a sign that Abba was there, watching over our ceremony.

Today, I was remembering him taking me to his favorite french restaurant in SF, La Folie, just before I went to Africa. He wanted to help me practice French. :) He taught me how to order food from the waiter and made me speak to the chef when he came to our table (I was feeling shy). He told everyone sitting around us about my trip and how proud he was. It was a really delicious meal, and rather expensive, but he wanted to spoil me and he made me feel very special. I wish I could take him back there and treat him now.

I was thinking about going to Angel Island to be closer to where we placed his ashes, and also to remember the trips we took with Abba, sailing out there and walking around the island when we were younger.

I love all you guys very much. We have a special family. A lot of our qualities come from what Abba gave us, taught us and showed us as our dad. I'm grateful to him for that.

Sara

Birthday Message from Rob

Happy birthday dad. We all miss you down here. Hope granny baked you a
nice cake and grandpa is bouncing you on his knee.
We all gotta go sometime but I still can't believe you're gone.
I love you. I'm sure you know that now. Thanks for being the best dad
ever in spite of all your challenges I'm only just becoming aware of
as a dad myself. You were really amazing.
Xoxo
Rob

Grandpa Gallagher

It's been awhile since I posted. Preoccupied with the wedding, I suppose. I've been meaning for awhile to write about a dream I had of Abba on Nov 4, where I woke up with my arms around my self, crying.

In my dream, I was at a home with stairs going up and pictures along the wall of family. Near the foot of the stairs was a place to sit and grandpa Gallagher and my dad was there. I think my dad was trying to talk to my grandpa but didn't get a response. I went up to my dad, feeling curious about him being there because I knew he was dead. And then knowing I wouldn't get the chance again, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him and hugged him. And it felt so real. I missed him so much and to get to hug him again felt so good. And I started crying in real life and my tears woke me. I felt like I had gotten a visit.

Now I'm wondering if the dream may have meant something more about grandpa. He died last night in his sleep around 4 am.

Yesterday Mike, Nate and I went to visit grandpa Gallagher with pictures of the wedding. We spent hours there as I sat on his bed holding his hand and describing the pictures we brought, hoping he could picture it in his mind. He was not responding much at all, except for a hand squeeze or an occasional eyebrow raised when I mentioned my name or my grandmother's name. I also described my childhood memories of him and held him and and prayed for him. I told him I loved him, that it was "ok" and thanked him for being a good grandpa to me.

I left his room last night, knowing I would never see him again and woke up this morning to a phone call from my brother Bill. He is with my granny now. He lived 8 years without her and missed her terribly. I hope he and my dad are finally getting along. I like to think there is a reunion of loved ones, welcoming you home to them. Maybe the dream was of my dad coming to greet him.

I am grateful it happened after my wedding. That the timing allowed my family to have a week to be together for both Christmas and the wedding, to celebrate each other, life and joy. And I'm also really grateful that I had a chance to say goodbye.

Sara

A letter from Kerstin in Germany

A friend of Abba and Tom sent an email in Germany saying she was sorry for our loss.

Hi Tommy,
ich habe Heute von Manu erfahren, das dein Vater (Abba) gestorben ist.
Ich wollte Dir nur sagen das es mir sehr leid tut und ich in Gedanken bei dir und Deiner Familie bin. Es ist immer schwer wenn man einen Elternteil verliert aber im Herzen leben die Eltern weiter. War dein Vater krank oder hatte er einen Unfall? Melde dich doch bitte mal bei mir. jetzt hast Du ja auch meine neue E-mail-Adresse so wir gehen niemals verloren.
Ich umarme Dich und liebe Grüsse auch von Volker
Kerstin aus Frankfurt, Manuelas freundin
--
Mit freundlichen Grüßen
Kerstin Langer

(Google English Translation: Today I have learned of Manu, your father (Abba) died.
I wanted you to say that I am very sorry and I thought when you and your family bin. It is always difficult when you lose a parent but live in the heart of the parents. Was your father or ill, he had an accident? Register but please look at me. now you also my new e-mail address so we are never lost.
Umarme I love you and also by Volker
Kerstin from Frankfurt, Manuelas friend)

A Thousand Winds

Sachiko called me and played me a song in Japanese based on the poem "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep." She played it in the background and interpreted it. It was really sweet and I really appreciated it. I found a video of the song on You Tube with English subtitles: A Thousand Winds

My rational mind really fights with this- but more and more I've been having experiences that have left me feeling some sort of connection/ communication from beyond the grave- (things like my experience getting my locket in Sea Ranch and Sachiko's contact). Yesterday, at Mono Hot Springs, I met a woman, a practicing shaman, who gave me a massage. She asked me if I knew what it was causing me pain and it made me just cry and cry. I told her about Abba and she told me there was no death, he was right there with me- that now he's even closer to me than he was in the physical form. The things she talked about reminded me of this song and poem that Sachiko shared. She talked a lot about how to work though pain (by thanking it for the experience and releasing it with love) and said something that about how we're all whole and complete, perfect beings-something that Abba had said to me before he died. Then, after she left the room, I heard his voice in my head saying "Forgive me." I've been thinking about that since. Maybe it's what I need to work on most. Maybe that's the only way I'll be able to move forward. That voice gave me the key toward healing.

On the way home "Time in a Bottle" played in the restaurant. it's been a song that's reminded me of Abba lately, so I had Nate make it the song of the day for this blog.

Sachiko said in Buddhism they believe that the spirits of those that died are still around us. Mariah said that there are Native American cultures that believe that a person does not truly die until all who knew the person is gone. He lives on in our memories and hearts. I have no rational explanation for the things I think I'm experiencing. Maybe it's just all in my brain and what I need to believe, but it helps me to think he's near, still sharing experiences with me, being my guardian angel and among the "thousand winds" around me.

Sachiko's Dream (e-mailed today from Japan)

Dear Sara

Hello. How are you? We are doing good.
I hope you are doing everything O.K.

Congratulations! for your wedding.
Also thank you for sending your wedding invitation card which is very beautiful of you
and handsome young man.

I was in Kakogawa where is near Osaka for our business trip since Aug 11th.
I came back home on 18th night.

On the 18th morning I saw a dream. You and Bill (your father) were in my dream.
You wore the wedding dress, and Bill wore the suit with smiling face.
In the dream I said to you, “Congratulations! When are you going to get married?”
You said in December. It made me surprised, it was truth.

(I have known you are going to get married. Moki sent me the pictures which you wore the wedding dress last month.
I didn’t know you are going to get married in December until I came back home on 18th night).

Bill asked me,” Hi, Sachiko, How are you?”
I replied him “Good. I heard you past away in April, didn’t you?.”
He was nodding with smile. And he said “ I’m here".

Then I awaked. I sat up on the bed, I couldn’t realize what was it? What happened?
Then,I realized it was a dream.

When I think about Bill, he has always smiling face.
He was very special to me. He was a great teacher and a good father.
I learned a lot from him.

In Japan, we have a special song which is very popular since year before.
The title of this song is “ A thousand of wind” in Japan.
Japanese person made a song for this poem.

The title of this poem is “Do not stand at my grave and weep” in America.
Mary Frye made this poem.
This poem is from America. Probably you already know it.
The 11 years old girl read this poem for her father after one year Sep.11th.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand of winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
So do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Bill did not die. He became a thousand winds.
He blows and runs all over the huge and wide sky.

When I think about dead people, this poem gives me healing.
I am helped by this poem.

I have been thinking to whom sent this poem for this 4 months.
I couldn’t decided, but I saw a dream you and Bill two days ago.
So , I decided to send it to you.

Congratulations! for your wedding. Sara.

We love you. Please say “Hello “ to your mother and brothers.

With love

Sachiko

Sau vali vali

Found this email today written by Abba in 2006. I can still hear his voice singing it-

FYI, with love...

It's a Samoan song that I sang to your mother when we were courting; in particular, driving her to summer school from Las Vegas, in 1962:

Sau vali vali means go for a walk
Tau tala tala means too much talk,
Alofa ia te oe means I love you,
Take it easy, sai sai le mu!

Love, --Abba

Happy Father's Day Abba

How I wish you were here today Abba. I've been thinking of all the things I still want to do with you and share with you. Every time I use my tool set you gave me when I moved into my house, I see the note you wrote on it. I remember coming home to see it on my doorstep, near the mazuza you put on my door post (so thoughtfully matching the paint on my house). When I go to golden gate park, I think about wanting to ride my bike with you. Remember the date we had a few years ago, when you felt too ill but drove all the way down from Diamond Springs anyway to be with me? I took care of you and you told me I had a healing touch. And the next day we went to the sea cliff and walked around. In the restaurant where we had brunch, there was an irish family sitting next to us. I remembered that when I took Rob and Nate to that same brunch spot and again, there was another Irish family sitting near by.

Remember our last date together on Christmas Eve? I know you wanted to go to the Nutcracker with me (you had a newspaper clipping of it on the fridge a year earlier). For you it was something to do with your little girl and made you think of me that way. But no longer a little girl, I wanted something more entertaining. We saw A Christmas Carol instead. And it was really good! I don't know if you were disappointed at first or not, but you seemed to really enjoy it. I'm still thrilled that we went to the Indian restaurant on Jones St. I swear its the best in the city. I wanted to take you there for so long because I knew you loved spicy food. That was the last time I saw you alive. After that, only emails, voice messages and phone calls connected us through our busy lives. Now the voice messages are gone and you can no longer call me. And i can no longer call you back. I tried to save your voice messages to me but they were erased by the phone company before I could save a copy. So all I have left of your voice now is your out-going message from your cell phone recorded here: http://quietamerican.org/download/dropbox/For_Sara/SARAT04.WAV

I miss you so much Abba. God how pissed off I am that you left me! Did you know I had a whole weekend planned to hang out with you the day you left? I wanted to share all my wedding plans with you. I wanted you to get caught up in the joy of it all too, hoping it might lift you out of your own sorrow. My therapist says knowing I was getting married must have meant you knew your little girl would be ok and would be taken care of. But didn't you know that I still needed you too? I still need my Abba. I love you so much. I will always be your little saralala, your te-no-kit. Thank you so much for being my dad.
-Sara

Mountain Democrat News Obituary

http://www.mtdemocrat.com/story.php?id=901.11

William K. Gallagher, Ph.D., 68, died April 4, 2008, in Alameda, Calif. A speaker and an author, William was a 15-year member of the community in Diamond Springs.

Born Jan. 27, 1940, in Los Angeles, to his parents Leonard W. Gallagher and Sally Roberts Gallagher, William “Bill” Gallagher spent his early years in Los Angeles and graduated from Santa Monica High School in 1958. Befriending many of the entertainment industry elite of the time, Bill sang with an early incarnation of the famous group Jan and Dean and wrote a few of their songs. From an early age Bill was gifted with language and passionate about world cultures and travel.

Following high school, Bill attended BYU, Utah, where he earned a BA in Political Science and Language in 1964. During this time, he also served a mission in Brazil for the LDS Church from 1960-62. Bill then attended the University of Utah Law School in 1964 before starting a career with the CIA that spanned over a decade during the Vietnam War. During this time, he also worked for New York Life Insurance in both Los Angeles and Honolulu, and later for Beneficial Life Insurance in Honolulu. These positions provided him with the means to pursue his passion for travel and to raise his family internationally. They lived throughout the world, predominantly in Switzerland, Spain, and Israel. In each location he enrolled his children in local schools to learn the language and culture.

Pursuing his passion for education, Bill earned a master’s degree in Linguistics from the University of Hawaii in 1971 and a Ph.D. in Psychology from Walden University, Florida, in 1976. Bill was also a professor at BYU, Hawaii, from 1973-77, and at the Hebrew University, Jerusalem, from 1977-79.

In the 1980s Bill was back in the U.S. working for Control Data Corp. He soon founded a computer education company, Computers Simplified Inc., whose clients included many Fortune 500 companies. He was featured in the Wall Street Journal and Time Magazine and on several television news segments for his fast success.

Bill later led seminars on his “mind map” design and the psychology of marketing. In 1992 he authored the New York Times best seller Guerrilla Selling, and spent the next decade leading Guerrilla Selling seminars for businesses around the world. During this time, he continued his focus on sales and marketing, teaching at California State University Sacramento, in 1998 and earning his MBA in 1999.

Bill’s passions included surfing, sailing, skiing, theology, travel, language, fly-fishing, music, reading and writing. But his main focus in life was his family.

Bill is survived by his father, Leonard, his sister, Laurie Brown, his children, David Kier, William Jr., Robert, Thomas, Sara, and Nathaniel, and by seven grandchildren.

A memorial was held in his honor on April 11, at the Temple Israel Sanctuary in Alameda, Calif. His ashes were scattered in the San Francisco Bay, where he loved to sail with his children.

Fi Fi Le Mu

Today I was thinking about the song Abba taught us at Granny and Grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary. I thought maybe I could find a version of it on the internet, but now I'm wondering if he didn't make it up?

I remember gathering for our family luau in Big Bear, where we all did something to entertain each other. I remember directing Nate, Alison and Amy to do this dance to "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" (So I'm making that the next song of the day). I remember grandpa put on a grass skirt and danced the hula.

And I also remember Abba teaching us this Polynesian song, with a long explanation of how it so appropriately matched granny and grandpa's marriage and gave keys for the reason it had lasted those 50 years. (Isn't there video of this somewhere?)

I think the song went like this:

Sao va-le va-le, means go for a walk
Tao tala tala, means too much talk
Alisa i'ahte' oi, means I love you
Take it easy, fi fi le mu.