Today is Abba's birthday- the first since his death.
It's been a really hard year. I've really missed him. I broke down just before the wedding ceremony started about him not being there. Someone got Auntie Laurie to come see me. It really helped me dry my eyes and move forward. People talk about the giant Blue Heron that flew over the crowd just as we spoke our vows (I didn't see it- I only saw Mike) but when people described it, I thought about the poem Sachiko told me - talking about how the spirit becomes one with nature and is all around us (I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the bird in the trees, etc). I felt like it was a sign that Abba was there, watching over our ceremony.
Today, I was remembering him taking me to his favorite french restaurant in SF, La Folie, just before I went to Africa. He wanted to help me practice French. :) He taught me how to order food from the waiter and made me speak to the chef when he came to our table (I was feeling shy). He told everyone sitting around us about my trip and how proud he was. It was a really delicious meal, and rather expensive, but he wanted to spoil me and he made me feel very special. I wish I could take him back there and treat him now.
I was thinking about going to Angel Island to be closer to where we placed his ashes, and also to remember the trips we took with Abba, sailing out there and walking around the island when we were younger.
I love all you guys very much. We have a special family. A lot of our qualities come from what Abba gave us, taught us and showed us as our dad. I'm grateful to him for that.
Sara
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Birthday Message from Rob
Happy birthday dad. We all miss you down here. Hope granny baked you a
nice cake and grandpa is bouncing you on his knee.
We all gotta go sometime but I still can't believe you're gone.
I love you. I'm sure you know that now. Thanks for being the best dad
ever in spite of all your challenges I'm only just becoming aware of
as a dad myself. You were really amazing.
Xoxo
Rob
nice cake and grandpa is bouncing you on his knee.
We all gotta go sometime but I still can't believe you're gone.
I love you. I'm sure you know that now. Thanks for being the best dad
ever in spite of all your challenges I'm only just becoming aware of
as a dad myself. You were really amazing.
Xoxo
Rob
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Grandpa Gallagher
It's been awhile since I posted. Preoccupied with the wedding, I suppose. I've been meaning for awhile to write about a dream I had of Abba on Nov 4, where I woke up with my arms around my self, crying.
In my dream, I was at a home with stairs going up and pictures along the wall of family. Near the foot of the stairs was a place to sit and grandpa Gallagher and my dad was there. I think my dad was trying to talk to my grandpa but didn't get a response. I went up to my dad, feeling curious about him being there because I knew he was dead. And then knowing I wouldn't get the chance again, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him and hugged him. And it felt so real. I missed him so much and to get to hug him again felt so good. And I started crying in real life and my tears woke me. I felt like I had gotten a visit.
Now I'm wondering if the dream may have meant something more about grandpa. He died last night in his sleep around 4 am.
Yesterday Mike, Nate and I went to visit grandpa Gallagher with pictures of the wedding. We spent hours there as I sat on his bed holding his hand and describing the pictures we brought, hoping he could picture it in his mind. He was not responding much at all, except for a hand squeeze or an occasional eyebrow raised when I mentioned my name or my grandmother's name. I also described my childhood memories of him and held him and and prayed for him. I told him I loved him, that it was "ok" and thanked him for being a good grandpa to me.
I left his room last night, knowing I would never see him again and woke up this morning to a phone call from my brother Bill. He is with my granny now. He lived 8 years without her and missed her terribly. I hope he and my dad are finally getting along. I like to think there is a reunion of loved ones, welcoming you home to them. Maybe the dream was of my dad coming to greet him.
I am grateful it happened after my wedding. That the timing allowed my family to have a week to be together for both Christmas and the wedding, to celebrate each other, life and joy. And I'm also really grateful that I had a chance to say goodbye.
Sara
In my dream, I was at a home with stairs going up and pictures along the wall of family. Near the foot of the stairs was a place to sit and grandpa Gallagher and my dad was there. I think my dad was trying to talk to my grandpa but didn't get a response. I went up to my dad, feeling curious about him being there because I knew he was dead. And then knowing I wouldn't get the chance again, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him and hugged him. And it felt so real. I missed him so much and to get to hug him again felt so good. And I started crying in real life and my tears woke me. I felt like I had gotten a visit.
Now I'm wondering if the dream may have meant something more about grandpa. He died last night in his sleep around 4 am.
Yesterday Mike, Nate and I went to visit grandpa Gallagher with pictures of the wedding. We spent hours there as I sat on his bed holding his hand and describing the pictures we brought, hoping he could picture it in his mind. He was not responding much at all, except for a hand squeeze or an occasional eyebrow raised when I mentioned my name or my grandmother's name. I also described my childhood memories of him and held him and and prayed for him. I told him I loved him, that it was "ok" and thanked him for being a good grandpa to me.
I left his room last night, knowing I would never see him again and woke up this morning to a phone call from my brother Bill. He is with my granny now. He lived 8 years without her and missed her terribly. I hope he and my dad are finally getting along. I like to think there is a reunion of loved ones, welcoming you home to them. Maybe the dream was of my dad coming to greet him.
I am grateful it happened after my wedding. That the timing allowed my family to have a week to be together for both Christmas and the wedding, to celebrate each other, life and joy. And I'm also really grateful that I had a chance to say goodbye.
Sara
Friday, September 19, 2008
A letter from Kerstin in Germany
A friend of Abba and Tom sent an email in Germany saying she was sorry for our loss.
(Google English Translation: Today I have learned of Manu, your father (Abba) died.
I wanted you to say that I am very sorry and I thought when you and your family bin. It is always difficult when you lose a parent but live in the heart of the parents. Was your father or ill, he had an accident? Register but please look at me. now you also my new e-mail address so we are never lost.
Umarme I love you and also by Volker
Kerstin from Frankfurt, Manuelas friend)
Hi Tommy,
ich habe Heute von Manu erfahren, das dein Vater (Abba) gestorben ist.
Ich wollte Dir nur sagen das es mir sehr leid tut und ich in Gedanken bei dir und Deiner Familie bin. Es ist immer schwer wenn man einen Elternteil verliert aber im Herzen leben die Eltern weiter. War dein Vater krank oder hatte er einen Unfall? Melde dich doch bitte mal bei mir. jetzt hast Du ja auch meine neue E-mail-Adresse so wir gehen niemals verloren.
Ich umarme Dich und liebe Grüsse auch von Volker
Kerstin aus Frankfurt, Manuelas freundin
--
Mit freundlichen Grüßen
Kerstin Langer
(Google English Translation: Today I have learned of Manu, your father (Abba) died.
I wanted you to say that I am very sorry and I thought when you and your family bin. It is always difficult when you lose a parent but live in the heart of the parents. Was your father or ill, he had an accident? Register but please look at me. now you also my new e-mail address so we are never lost.
Umarme I love you and also by Volker
Kerstin from Frankfurt, Manuelas friend)
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A Thousand Winds
Sachiko called me and played me a song in Japanese based on the poem "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep." She played it in the background and interpreted it. It was really sweet and I really appreciated it. I found a video of the song on You Tube with English subtitles: A Thousand Winds
My rational mind really fights with this- but more and more I've been having experiences that have left me feeling some sort of connection/ communication from beyond the grave- (things like my experience getting my locket in Sea Ranch and Sachiko's contact). Yesterday, at Mono Hot Springs, I met a woman, a practicing shaman, who gave me a massage. She asked me if I knew what it was causing me pain and it made me just cry and cry. I told her about Abba and she told me there was no death, he was right there with me- that now he's even closer to me than he was in the physical form. The things she talked about reminded me of this song and poem that Sachiko shared. She talked a lot about how to work though pain (by thanking it for the experience and releasing it with love) and said something that about how we're all whole and complete, perfect beings-something that Abba had said to me before he died. Then, after she left the room, I heard his voice in my head saying "Forgive me." I've been thinking about that since. Maybe it's what I need to work on most. Maybe that's the only way I'll be able to move forward. That voice gave me the key toward healing.
On the way home "Time in a Bottle" played in the restaurant. it's been a song that's reminded me of Abba lately, so I had Nate make it the song of the day for this blog.
Sachiko said in Buddhism they believe that the spirits of those that died are still around us. Mariah said that there are Native American cultures that believe that a person does not truly die until all who knew the person is gone. He lives on in our memories and hearts. I have no rational explanation for the things I think I'm experiencing. Maybe it's just all in my brain and what I need to believe, but it helps me to think he's near, still sharing experiences with me, being my guardian angel and among the "thousand winds" around me.
My rational mind really fights with this- but more and more I've been having experiences that have left me feeling some sort of connection/ communication from beyond the grave- (things like my experience getting my locket in Sea Ranch and Sachiko's contact). Yesterday, at Mono Hot Springs, I met a woman, a practicing shaman, who gave me a massage. She asked me if I knew what it was causing me pain and it made me just cry and cry. I told her about Abba and she told me there was no death, he was right there with me- that now he's even closer to me than he was in the physical form. The things she talked about reminded me of this song and poem that Sachiko shared. She talked a lot about how to work though pain (by thanking it for the experience and releasing it with love) and said something that about how we're all whole and complete, perfect beings-something that Abba had said to me before he died. Then, after she left the room, I heard his voice in my head saying "Forgive me." I've been thinking about that since. Maybe it's what I need to work on most. Maybe that's the only way I'll be able to move forward. That voice gave me the key toward healing.
On the way home "Time in a Bottle" played in the restaurant. it's been a song that's reminded me of Abba lately, so I had Nate make it the song of the day for this blog.
Sachiko said in Buddhism they believe that the spirits of those that died are still around us. Mariah said that there are Native American cultures that believe that a person does not truly die until all who knew the person is gone. He lives on in our memories and hearts. I have no rational explanation for the things I think I'm experiencing. Maybe it's just all in my brain and what I need to believe, but it helps me to think he's near, still sharing experiences with me, being my guardian angel and among the "thousand winds" around me.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sachiko's Dream (e-mailed today from Japan)
Dear Sara
Hello. How are you? We are doing good.
I hope you are doing everything O.K.
Congratulations! for your wedding.
Also thank you for sending your wedding invitation card which is very beautiful of you
and handsome young man.
I was in Kakogawa where is near Osaka for our business trip since Aug 11th.
I came back home on 18th night.
On the 18th morning I saw a dream. You and Bill (your father) were in my dream.
You wore the wedding dress, and Bill wore the suit with smiling face.
In the dream I said to you, “Congratulations! When are you going to get married?”
You said in December. It made me surprised, it was truth.
(I have known you are going to get married. Moki sent me the pictures which you wore the wedding dress last month.
I didn’t know you are going to get married in December until I came back home on 18th night).
Bill asked me,” Hi, Sachiko, How are you?”
I replied him “Good. I heard you past away in April, didn’t you?.”
He was nodding with smile. And he said “ I’m here".
Then I awaked. I sat up on the bed, I couldn’t realize what was it? What happened?
Then,I realized it was a dream.
When I think about Bill, he has always smiling face.
He was very special to me. He was a great teacher and a good father.
I learned a lot from him.
In Japan, we have a special song which is very popular since year before.
The title of this song is “ A thousand of wind” in Japan.
Japanese person made a song for this poem.
The title of this poem is “Do not stand at my grave and weep” in America.
Mary Frye made this poem.
This poem is from America. Probably you already know it.
The 11 years old girl read this poem for her father after one year Sep.11th.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand of winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
So do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Bill did not die. He became a thousand winds.
He blows and runs all over the huge and wide sky.
When I think about dead people, this poem gives me healing.
I am helped by this poem.
I have been thinking to whom sent this poem for this 4 months.
I couldn’t decided, but I saw a dream you and Bill two days ago.
So , I decided to send it to you.
Congratulations! for your wedding. Sara.
We love you. Please say “Hello “ to your mother and brothers.
With love
Sachiko
Hello. How are you? We are doing good.
I hope you are doing everything O.K.
Congratulations! for your wedding.
Also thank you for sending your wedding invitation card which is very beautiful of you
and handsome young man.
I was in Kakogawa where is near Osaka for our business trip since Aug 11th.
I came back home on 18th night.
On the 18th morning I saw a dream. You and Bill (your father) were in my dream.
You wore the wedding dress, and Bill wore the suit with smiling face.
In the dream I said to you, “Congratulations! When are you going to get married?”
You said in December. It made me surprised, it was truth.
(I have known you are going to get married. Moki sent me the pictures which you wore the wedding dress last month.
I didn’t know you are going to get married in December until I came back home on 18th night).
Bill asked me,” Hi, Sachiko, How are you?”
I replied him “Good. I heard you past away in April, didn’t you?.”
He was nodding with smile. And he said “ I’m here".
Then I awaked. I sat up on the bed, I couldn’t realize what was it? What happened?
Then,I realized it was a dream.
When I think about Bill, he has always smiling face.
He was very special to me. He was a great teacher and a good father.
I learned a lot from him.
In Japan, we have a special song which is very popular since year before.
The title of this song is “ A thousand of wind” in Japan.
Japanese person made a song for this poem.
The title of this poem is “Do not stand at my grave and weep” in America.
Mary Frye made this poem.
This poem is from America. Probably you already know it.
The 11 years old girl read this poem for her father after one year Sep.11th.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand of winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
So do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Bill did not die. He became a thousand winds.
He blows and runs all over the huge and wide sky.
When I think about dead people, this poem gives me healing.
I am helped by this poem.
I have been thinking to whom sent this poem for this 4 months.
I couldn’t decided, but I saw a dream you and Bill two days ago.
So , I decided to send it to you.
Congratulations! for your wedding. Sara.
We love you. Please say “Hello “ to your mother and brothers.
With love
Sachiko
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Sau vali vali
Found this email today written by Abba in 2006. I can still hear his voice singing it-
FYI, with love...
It's a Samoan song that I sang to your mother when we were courting; in particular, driving her to summer school from Las Vegas, in 1962:
Sau vali vali means go for a walk
Tau tala tala means too much talk,
Alofa ia te oe means I love you,
Take it easy, sai sai le mu!
Love, --Abba
FYI, with love...
It's a Samoan song that I sang to your mother when we were courting; in particular, driving her to summer school from Las Vegas, in 1962:
Sau vali vali means go for a walk
Tau tala tala means too much talk,
Alofa ia te oe means I love you,
Take it easy, sai sai le mu!
Love, --Abba
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Happy Father's Day Abba
How I wish you were here today Abba. I've been thinking of all the things I still want to do with you and share with you. Every time I use my tool set you gave me when I moved into my house, I see the note you wrote on it. I remember coming home to see it on my doorstep, near the mazuza you put on my door post (so thoughtfully matching the paint on my house). When I go to golden gate park, I think about wanting to ride my bike with you. Remember the date we had a few years ago, when you felt too ill but drove all the way down from Diamond Springs anyway to be with me? I took care of you and you told me I had a healing touch. And the next day we went to the sea cliff and walked around. In the restaurant where we had brunch, there was an irish family sitting next to us. I remembered that when I took Rob and Nate to that same brunch spot and again, there was another Irish family sitting near by.
Remember our last date together on Christmas Eve? I know you wanted to go to the Nutcracker with me (you had a newspaper clipping of it on the fridge a year earlier). For you it was something to do with your little girl and made you think of me that way. But no longer a little girl, I wanted something more entertaining. We saw A Christmas Carol instead. And it was really good! I don't know if you were disappointed at first or not, but you seemed to really enjoy it. I'm still thrilled that we went to the Indian restaurant on Jones St. I swear its the best in the city. I wanted to take you there for so long because I knew you loved spicy food. That was the last time I saw you alive. After that, only emails, voice messages and phone calls connected us through our busy lives. Now the voice messages are gone and you can no longer call me. And i can no longer call you back. I tried to save your voice messages to me but they were erased by the phone company before I could save a copy. So all I have left of your voice now is your out-going message from your cell phone recorded here: http://quietamerican.org/download/dropbox/For_Sara/SARAT04.WAV
I miss you so much Abba. God how pissed off I am that you left me! Did you know I had a whole weekend planned to hang out with you the day you left? I wanted to share all my wedding plans with you. I wanted you to get caught up in the joy of it all too, hoping it might lift you out of your own sorrow. My therapist says knowing I was getting married must have meant you knew your little girl would be ok and would be taken care of. But didn't you know that I still needed you too? I still need my Abba. I love you so much. I will always be your little saralala, your te-no-kit. Thank you so much for being my dad.
-Sara
Remember our last date together on Christmas Eve? I know you wanted to go to the Nutcracker with me (you had a newspaper clipping of it on the fridge a year earlier). For you it was something to do with your little girl and made you think of me that way. But no longer a little girl, I wanted something more entertaining. We saw A Christmas Carol instead. And it was really good! I don't know if you were disappointed at first or not, but you seemed to really enjoy it. I'm still thrilled that we went to the Indian restaurant on Jones St. I swear its the best in the city. I wanted to take you there for so long because I knew you loved spicy food. That was the last time I saw you alive. After that, only emails, voice messages and phone calls connected us through our busy lives. Now the voice messages are gone and you can no longer call me. And i can no longer call you back. I tried to save your voice messages to me but they were erased by the phone company before I could save a copy. So all I have left of your voice now is your out-going message from your cell phone recorded here: http://quietamerican.org/download/dropbox/For_Sara/SARAT04.WAV
I miss you so much Abba. God how pissed off I am that you left me! Did you know I had a whole weekend planned to hang out with you the day you left? I wanted to share all my wedding plans with you. I wanted you to get caught up in the joy of it all too, hoping it might lift you out of your own sorrow. My therapist says knowing I was getting married must have meant you knew your little girl would be ok and would be taken care of. But didn't you know that I still needed you too? I still need my Abba. I love you so much. I will always be your little saralala, your te-no-kit. Thank you so much for being my dad.
-Sara
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